**Disclaimer: Hate is a strong word and you should always try to find the positive in every situation.**
**But sometimes you just gotta say, “FUCK THAT! WHAT ARE YOU MY MOM!?!”**
Man-spreading, for those who don’t know, is
“the practice whereby a man, especially one traveling on public transportation, adopts a sitting position with his legs wide apart, in such a way as to encroach on an adjacent seat or seats.” – Google Definitions
Man-spreading has become a world-wide known issue. So much so that it is strictly banned in the city of Madrid. Also, New York is now running a campaign against it.
Pause…I need a second. I just want to get through this without getting pissed off. *Takes deep relaxing breath in, then screams to exhale.*
I cannot stand this shit! WHY?!? Because, I, being a female with a thicker a bottom; have to sit on crowded train next a man that thinks it’s completely necessary to cock his legs open like a prostitute on a Friday night. Sir, your little ding-dong does not need that much space. Let a man come on here and say, “Well, then you should just stand up.”. No, bitch you need to close your legs. This is not the time to be ‘bustin’ it open for a real one’! I have zero one’s for you honey! Now, because John Doe wanna open his legs and cross the seat barrier I have to make decisions. Either:
- Stand up. (just determined that wasn’t going to happen)
- Treat you like you’re a child and ask you gently to please close your legs. (not happening)
- Not say anything. Close my legs more then they already are; cutting off any and all air flow to my vagina and risk a yeast infection from the tight ass pants I decided to wear because, bitch, I’m cute. (Nope, I’m not risking my vaginal health for you!)
- Reclaim the seat by politely pushing that man out the way. (I like this one).
The moral of this post is, have some respect for other people’s space. If you feel the need to man-spread think twice and if you do decide to cross that seat barrier while I’m next to you trust and believe you’re going to feel the wrath of this polite push!
2. Being broke and having friends w/ money.
It’s not fun all the time, trust me. They will get tired of paying for stuff after a while. LOL. It sucks going out to a bar or a lounge and paying the cover to get in but not having enough for drinks, food, hookah etc. Having to sit there sober and trying to have a conversation with someone who drunk or other is the worst thing ever (melodramatic). I don’t know if anyone out there has ever tried to have a conversation with a drunk person while sober but for those of us that have it’s probably one of the conversations you’ll remember for the rest of your life. That talk was either:
- Tears rolling down your face funny
- Revealing as hell (I’m talking, Barney from ‘How I Met your Mother’ passed Java the Hutt stage drunk *fan joke*)
- Aggressive (somebody said some fighting words)
- Inevitably cut short because that person’s ‘song’ came on.
- Inevitably cut short because of projectile vomit (smh disgusting)
- Inevitably cut short because…”bitch, are you asleep right now?!?”
- Them trying to listen and slowly nodding but you realize nothing is registering so you just start saying random shit.
Listen, I’m not saying when you go out you GOTTA get drunk in order to have fun. You do not! There is nothing wrong with being sober. All I’m saying is the conversation will be different if your friends decide to get wasted while your sober. Also, it’s sucks not having the money to buy a drink when you want to.
Another thing that sucks for me being around friends with money is, watching them do all the fun stuff while you sit at home bonding with yourself or pets. How about when you go on Snapchat and see your bestie at a concert with another friend. *rolls eyes* Seeing pictures on Instagram with that other friend and your bestie in California livin’ it up on a balcony with a view to die for and…wait for it… #girlstrip #besties…yes, your best friend just got stolen with a hashtag because you’re broke.
Then this happens.
“Teresa, IS THAT A FUCKING TESLA! Bitch you JUST bought a house! I’m so happy for you but what the FUCK do you do for a living?!? Never-mind, GET IN THE FUCKING CAR! We’re going to cheesecake, don’t worry YOU’RE paying!”
3. Fake-out Pockets on women’s clothing.
If you’re wearing women’s pants right now, do me a favor, I want you to put your hand in your pockets.
Was it a little loose and only a quarter of your hand could actually go through, thus making the pocket useless, unless you don’t care about the tampon you put in there falling out when you bend over? Was it a pretend pocket that’s sewn up so you have to put it all in your butt pocket? Do you even have butt pockets? Is it that little coin pocket that you can just barely fit a house key in but can’t get it out so you have to shimmy it up from the bottom? Does the key stab you when you sit? Did you have to stand up or kick one leg out because the pockets are too tight? Do you have a zipper on those workout pants? How many times did that zipper break? Is the zipper/pocket on your lower back so it feels weird having your phone in it? Can you even fit your phone in it? What about those zipper pockets on those black jeans you got on? Do they work or does it get stuck halfway? They don’t work, do they?
Raise your hand if you just don’t have any pockets? Don’t you a want full range of motion with your arms and not have to carry around a purse? That sling purse is so distracting from your outfit, ain’t it? You got a wrist-let? You have to dance with that annoying big ass clutch huh? Somebody knocked over your purse? Your shit everywhere? Damn. That’s crazy.
Now go put your hand in a men’s clothing pocket.
Feel the depth? You can fit your whole arm in that bitch huh? Feel that security?
Tell them to do jumping-jacks. Did you just watch nothing fall out?
Yup I know…
Tell them to sit down and get that chapstick out their pants. Did they only have to move to one side and with no effort and just pull that bitch out?
Now get mad because you cant find a cute little bookbag that goes with that outfit and make that person wearing the men’s pants carry everything.